Legend of Zelda 2: the seven pastures of pleasure greed and the silver arrow

Preface: we are post peak video games, as a cultural institution, adherents are degenerating right before your eyes back into their primitive forms again, their body parts are shapeshifting literally into the groteseque: the slovenly.  the wheezing. dysgenic skinwalkers, the phenotype with crusty facial hair and wearing-in-public flannel pajamas, thin arms and blubbery waists, pallid skin, bad eyesight. gone are the sensible bright colored v-neck wearers, they took their girlfriends with them. the chickens have now come home to roost as they say. the artificial buffer reinforced by mid 2000’s “casual” gaming marketing in the form of Wii bowling for retirees and super soda candy crush for normie adults is fading fast. a dam ready to collapse, the fake-normalization of video games is going to crumble, flooding us with the built up deluge of the awful omega 3 fish-oil needing, nasty humorless atheist skinnyfat core who has been waiting in the wings to swallow the industry/hobby whole again. the horde is upon us, and the residue of that brief stint with pop culture will be more or less permanent. where there was once Shame, there is now not only Pride but Identity. people love their games and theyll wave it in your face until you die

it’s been almost 20 years since some of us first played a Zelda (im a real deal bro are u?) and god, do people get off to that game, the one with skeletons and music staffs and HEY LISTEN girl. (it’s idol worship in its most platonic). but id be lying if i said that as a kid there wasnt something transcendent about transmitting myself to this archetypal “elfman;” aryan swordsman, quick and light, tunic and shield, plunging into dungeons deep and sacred, twisting lairs with tricks and traps, terrifying labyrinths of fire and death, [triforce level: Courage], questing for the goddesses, vanquishing monsters and ghouls and evil beasts, cleansing the realm of evil, etc. something real fundamental about it so that it sticks with you, so many dudes my age swear it’s the best game ever made hoo-rah etc. and Zelda players as a group, well, culture had had this place for us and so we are harmless in our obsession [Zelda is patrician and normies have heard of it= people wave it around], so of course the question of our age emerges, that slices through the thick of it and gets at the heart of what gamers are: how could one be immorally “bad” and still feel their spirit lift while shooting arrows of light from a bow at kings of darkness? even the pseudo-gremlins among us relate and that means something right?

zelda block puzzle

here players familiarize themselves with moving boxes in limited confines, a skill that  will be useful to them when they inevitably enter the workforce as warehouse employees

and so imagine my shock coming across a Zelda fan at the restaurant i work at, who, come to find out, is a full blown pedophile. he had been there at least as long as i had and was my age if not a little younger. one day he was playing the zora song new wave bossa nova from majora’s on an ocarina he brought to work on the cook’s line, and i only vaguely recognized it at first, but then it came to me and we had a small convo about how awesome Zelda was etc. then, next thing i know, he’s talking about how sexy some 11 year old is standing at the salad bar. it’s hard for me to wrap my mind around the whole thing. how and when did our paths diverge exactly? how long since he forgot that he rescued little princesses, not diddled them? well it turns out a while ago, because he had a pretty mammoth stash of child porn on an external at his mother’s house. dont really know how he got caught, but they arrested him at work not long after the salad bar comments. if you are wondering how he’s doing now, the answer is “not well”. he was raped to death on like day two in prison and thats basically how much zelda is really worth to anybody

One thought on “Legend of Zelda 2: the seven pastures of pleasure greed and the silver arrow

  1. psodj September 12, 2018 / 4:11 am

    would you please post more?

    Liked by 1 person

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